I began this SSCIT blog post a month ago, after discussion at our board meeting about the nearly invisible assumptions we all harbor as members of the society at large. I hoped to tackle the issue of women and violence, women and misogyny, and how both men and women contribute to the ongoing issues of sexual harassment and objectification of women. I got about halfway through and put it aside to be worked on later. Each time I tried to work on it again a new outrage hit the news and social media, making my musings redundant or incredibly pertinent. I still can’t decide which. All I can say is “Thank you Donald Trump for sparking a nationwide conversation on just this issue!”
(Just in case you missed it.)
https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-recorded-having-extremely-lewd-conversation-about-women-in-2005/2016/10/07/3b9ce776-8cb4-11e6-bf8a-3d26847eeed4_story.html?postshare=6361475870515092&tid=ss_tw
On June 13-15, I attended the White House Summit “The United State Of Women” in Washington. This was truly the most amazing three days of my life. Speakers addressed every facet of the lives of women that I could imagine, and many I had never even contemplated. They ranged from Michelle Obama and her husband, to innovative and courageous college students, to transgender trailblazers, and even an 11 year old entrepreneur. At the end of the main Summit day we were asked what ideas we came away with, and what action steps we would take. Like most of the other 2000 attendees, I had no real idea yet. My head was so packed with information that I didn’t even know how to digest it.
Nothing like a huge dose of consciousness raising to begin challenging one’s assumptions! I think of the assumption my 31 year old daughter makes when she tells me she’s not a feminist – because those battles were fought and won by my generation. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Over the past few months I have pondered how my underlying assumptions contribute to the problem. I know I need to ask myself how often I assume things like….
Women need to be tough enough to shrug off the loutish comments by men.
I was groped many times as a young woman, I just left the situation as soon as I could. What’s the big deal?
I believed the 3 date rule was almost legitimate (For my younger colleagues – if you don’t have sex by the third date, you’ll never see the guy again).
I listened to sexual banter by men silently, not speaking up.
I participated in the misogynist culture by trying to be as pretty as I could, and enjoying some male comments that by today’s standards would be over the line. This brings up another issue of where flirting ends, and misogyny begins…..(for another post).
Wherever my personal soul searching has taken me, I am slammed by the near constant news of rape, inequality, misogyny, sexual assault on campus, etc. and then of course, there’s Donald Trump giving voice to all this underlying crap. Suddenly I am reliving the time I was crotch-grabbed while holding my husband’s hand on vacation. In my shock and outrage the guy disappeared into the crowd before I could finish telling my husband what just happened. Or the time I experienced the same, momentarily separated from my male cousin in the rush of a crowd exiting a concert. My fear and panic subsided when I caught site of my cousin again. The shame and self doubt overtook me later.
“The Crotchgrabber” (August 11, 2016; The New Yorker)
http://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/the-crotchgrabber
I think we as women have to risk being “bitches” and speak out when some man jokingly disparages us or other women. I think men need to not go along with “locker room banter” and call out their friends when it happens. These are hard positions to take and make me more than a little uncomfortable. Yet, how do we change the culture without this? We need to stand up for the rights of unconscious women victimized behind dumpsters and high school girls victimized by senior boys competing to bed as many freshmen as possible. We don’t have to shrug off being groped or call “honey” or “sweetheart” in professional situations. Speaking up about it doesn’t make us “bitches” or “thin skinned.” It makes us right. Risking a little discomfort is the only way to foster full scale social change. Michelle Obama addressed this passionately and poignantly on Thursday.
All this is important to me in private life. But then there is the question about how far to take it with our clients. I am often caught between my personal outrage and the client’s well being. When a male client blames a victim in the news, is it therapeutic to challenge him? When they say they’ll only date younger thin beautiful women, while they are far less than beautiful themselves, do we challenge them? When is it my agenda, and when is it in the client’s best interest? I don’t proclaim to know the answers to these questions.
I am bringing up the topics of groping and rape in the news with my clients. I have a caseload of primarily sexual abuse clients, so questioning the triggers hidden in this larger social conversation gets us there pretty quickly.
“For survivors of sexual abuse the presidential campaign is a giant trigger” (LA Times,10/14/16)
http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-mather-election-triggering-20161014-snap-story.html
It feels right to me to then get to the deeper assumptions, so they can morph in whatever way they need to. I am discussing with women how often they were held too long in a friendly or “professional” hug, were groped on the street or in a bar, fought off a date who thought paying for dinner came with sexual benefits they didn’t want to give. As we examine these things together, I can see their consciousness being raised, but also my own!
Trying to have these conversations with my male clients is more difficult, but just as pertinent to them, I think. Again, most are abuse survivors themselves. I am shocked to find that their own abuse situations don’t always translate to how they think or feel about this issue and women. As I talk to them, I am constantly questioning my own agenda, and hope you all can offer some words of wisdom in response. My enlightenment is a work in progress, for sure.
“The thing all women do you don’t want to know about” (Huffington Post, 11/23/15)
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gretchen-kelly/the-thing-all-women-do-you-dont-know-about_b_8630416.html
“We know that deep cultural change isn’t going to happen overnight, it takes time, but it also takes smart, engaged, creative, committed people applying their best thinking to these issues, and it’s going to take enough people in enough communities to decide that they’ve had enough.” —Mariska Hargitay, founder & president, Joyful Heart Foundation (quoted from her speech at The United State of Women, White House Summit, June 14, 2016)
In closing I invite you to listen to Joe Biden’s speech at the Summit.
It was incredibly powerful. He talks about making a real change in what he calls the “rape culture” of this country. He starts by identifying all rape, sexual assault, and harassment as “ultimately about the abuse of power.” He addresses how men have to be involved and breaking the “spiral of silence” necessary to change the social norm. The speech is long, 48 minutes, but worth it. If you can’t listen to it all, check minutes 24-26, and 32:40-36:50 as they address the issues I’ve mentioned here.
I also invite you to check out the It’s on Us initiative.
http://itsonus.org
I’m looking forward to any comments or thoughts you all can bring to this discussion.
Thanks,
Ann Hagan Webb, EdD
